My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
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Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.