[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
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I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.