I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
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Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Name this drama.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party