Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
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[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.