I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
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In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh