my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
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living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow