Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
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Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Attacked by a mop.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow