I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
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Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?