Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
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My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food