The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
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My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant