I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
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[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
my friends when i can’t do basic math
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.