I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
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Bike is short for Bichael.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
two people or more is called a problem
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Oh hi lol
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?