“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
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I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!