I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
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Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*