Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
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Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
It do be feeling this way.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*