How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
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I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
(2022)
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.