Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
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It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!