Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
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Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
And bowling should be called pinball
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”