Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
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“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!