We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
You Might Also Like
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine