The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
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BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*