So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
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I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.