Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
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PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
“Itself”
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“Itself”
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“Itself”
“Itself”~History
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut