I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
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When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
I’m a:
鈿猰an
鈿獁oman
馃敇cowboyOn a:
鈿猻kateboard
鈿猚arpet
馃敇steel horseI:
鈿猻hred
鈿猣ly
馃敇rideI’m wanted (wanted):
馃敇dead
馃敇alive
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I鈥檝e been single for too long
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃槅 Easy assemble?
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don鈥檛 you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU鈥橰E the only friend I鈥檓 ever going to need! Let鈥檚 talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
what
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pok茅mon in there