What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
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I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
No, I don’t think I will.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling