College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
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Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Breaking news:
Liquor Store Parking
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
guys i’ve cracked the code
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Home #decor warning.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”