How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?