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Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Hello Twits.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day