Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
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Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
i love meeting boys on tinder
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.