me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
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netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Me driving through Toronto
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!