Doormats are a gateway rug.
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If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Only short people can save us
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
we’re dead?
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do