There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
You Might Also Like
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.