I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
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You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?