I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
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Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos