Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
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Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.