*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
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GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.