I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
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I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.