No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
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Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
buying dead houseplants to save time
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.