[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
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Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.