My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
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Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.