At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
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Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What鈥檚 its name?
Me: Spork
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON鈥橳 GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 馃檪
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
GOD: there, my first animal 馃檪
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Pot warmers of the day.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.