Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
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I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.