Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
You Might Also Like
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.