*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
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You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Somebody call the cops.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat