Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
You Might Also Like
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
all that yoga finally paid off
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
absolutely not
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?