food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
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DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Okay, I’m still confused…
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.