[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
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She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*