Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
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amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
don’t we all
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.