The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
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*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
how to exercise your calf muscles
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”