Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
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The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.